Wednesday, September 16, 2009

You in your small corner, and I in mine

Here I sit in my "small secret place", as Joel calls it. Last week, Joel and I reorganized our office space, by putting the desk in the closet, and hanging some curtains in the opening, so that we could close off the mess, if it became one, and thus open up wall space for something else. Ironically, the desk has stayed clean for over a week now! I have adopted it as my secret place. I sit down with my bible and notebook, and close the curtains, and am transported into my own little world, (until my baby wakes up and needs to be fed). As much as I love my little boy, and love taking care of him, and playing with him, I love these precious moments with me, and my Lord, or me and what ever I want to do.

Before I had Israel, I had these moments all the time, but they were boring to me. I wanted to be around people, and around noise, to keep me from getting lonely. I took for granted these quiet moments that I crave for now. Thank you Lord for giving me this quiet moment right now, where I can sit, set apart from everything and think about You and what You are doing in my life.

You are doing a lot Lord, and most of it I don't understand yet. Three months ago my life turned upside down. I am finally starting to get into some kind of routine. Israel is on a schedule that is working well with my teaching, (answer to prayer!) and I am trying to keep up with laundry, and the house work. I have started exercising, and doing my quiet time regularly for the past week or so, and I feel great because of it! But inside, Lord, something is not right. Inside my soul, I feel uneasy, I feel like I am walking on my tiptoes, not sure of anything. Not sure of my life, and where You are in it. I am going through a Bible study about Esther, and have been told that even though Your name is no where to be found IN the book, you are ON it. You are involved in everything that took place in Esther's life, therefore I have to trust that You are involved in mine. But where? Fear has over taken me...I realized that the other night. I have been living my life in fear. Everything I say I can't handle, I fear You will bring upon me. I am afraid if I don't check on Israel one final time, that will be the time that something happens to him. Something goes wrong in the house, and I freak out unnecessarily. Then there is money...what is there NOT to worry about? Since Israel came I worry more about our finances, because of the extra expenses we have now. I say to myself and to others that "if the Lord made it so that Israel needed to be bottle fed, then He will provide the funds for formula." But why can't I really believe that in such a way that I LIVE it! Lord, I feel like my spirit is not at rest, and I need You to put it at rest. Show me what steps I need to take to be able to curl up under your wing and stay there, knowing that you hold MY whole world in YOUR hands.

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