Last night Joel was holding me as I cried, letting me release some emotion that I was feeling. I had some tea waiting for me that was supposed to bring on contractions, but I was scared to drink it. Our due date was in just a few hours, so were were talking about that, and looking at my big tummy, talking about how life was going to change, and me making sure we as a couple were not going to change. Joel then asked me to think back and remember what were were doing nine months ago. I immediately remembered our vacation to St. Louis, where I was already pregnant, but we didn't know it. So Joel decided that it would be fun to look at those pictures again. So we did.
This morning, I woke up, and went to the bathroom for the umpteenth time, and came back into the room, and Joel was singing, "Happy due date day, to you!" as he slowly woke up. Today is our due date, the day that Israel might come, or might forever be the day that we thought he might come, but God had different plans.
Lately I have been feeling very emotional, and for the past 12 hours, have cried many tears. Joel asked me one day how I was doing, me thinking he was asking about my physical state. So once again, I told him "good, just in a little pain". Then he informed me that he knew that I was going to be in pain for a while, and so whenever he asked how I was doing, he was asking how I was doing emotional. That meant so much to me. I had a dear friend call me today, asking how I was doing, to which I replied, "Doing well physically, which is making it harder on me emotionally, because I can't feel that anything big is going on." I know that my body is making headway, because of what the doctor has said, and occasionally I will have several hours of contractions that are just a little bit uncomfortable, or I will feel different sensations here and there, but overall, I wonder, "Is he ever going to be here?" But as my mom said, I am in the stage of the unknown. It could be anytime, or it could be a week or more. And that plays a part on our emotions. But once I realize that, it makes it easier. Not that I have any more information, but now I know why I can be fine one minute, and then sobbing buckets the next, an angel one second, and a witch the next! Thankfully I have the best husband in the world, who just holds me, and hugs me, and tells me that I can cry, and forgives me when I lash out, and loves me unconditionally.
So, I sit here waiting, reminding myself of the truth, that I will NOT be pregnant for the rest of my life, that Israel will come someday, and trying to occupy myself until our little angel arrives.