Friday, August 28, 2009

He loves me, he loves me not., He loves me...

Two days ago, I read in Philippians about Paul, and how he had learned to be content in all situations. The Lord really convicted me of this and I started praying that in every situation whether in plenty or in "famine" I would be content. Well, today I am at war with my flesh. It actually started last night, when I was really craving some me time. But what I wanted to do wasn't going to work out, so this morning, I started to do what I always do when I get upset; I start to snowball. One problem leads to another, and I dwell on them and it makes me even more sad. So today in tears, I explained to Joel my desire to be content and that I just needed him to pray for me, that I would be able to conquer this battle. Of course Joel felt horrible and it was his desire to reward me for all my hard work, and give me what I wanted...that is what makes him so wonderful. But what can be done? Nothing right now, except for me to be thankful for what I do have. So today is one of those days where I am tempted to question whether God really loves me or not. I KNOW that He does, but sometimes it doesn't feel like it.

So far today has not been a red shoes day.

I love you more than...velcro??

The other night, I woke up in the middle of the night having had a really bad dream. I turned to Joel for comfort, and he woke up (or I thought it did) and proceed to comfort me by saying: "Oh Hannah, that was horrible, and it will never come true, I love you so much, I love you more than Velcro!" Velcro? I asked him if he was awake, and he said yes, and tried to explain what he meant, when he fell asleep. The next morning, I told him what he had done, and he just started laughing! He could remember a little bit of it, but said that he must have been dreaming something with Velcro in it! Anyway, we got a big laugh about it, and now we say affectionately, that we love each other more than Velcro

Tears of joy

Taking little Izzy to New Life Ranch was quite the adventure. No, it really turned out great, but the firsts are always a little stressful. He slept pretty great, took naps, and charmed his way to everyone's heart. There was one particular time that he was a little cranky, (I think he was just a little over tired) and I laid him down on the bed, gave him his paci, and got really close to his face, assuring him that everything was okay, and his little eyes, moist from crying, looked at me with the most adorable, yet pitiful expression. I didn't know whether to laugh or cry. But it touched me so much that I uttered a prayer of thanksgiving for my little boy, and tears came to my eyes. I am so blessed to have a son to take care of. I want to enjoy ever moment!

Wednesday, August 19, 2009

Cute as a bug on a rug

My little Izzy was the prince of the ball last night with 10+ people standing around adoring him. It was quite fun I must admit to be the mother of this charming little man, and I enjoyed it just as much or more as he did! But the thing I enjoyed most, was seeing my little baby boy, find comfort and familiarity in his mother own arms once he had made the rounds. He was cranky with them, but fell asleep on me! Oh the joys of motherhood. Just that one moment is worth every dirty diaper I change, and every cranky time, the extra trouble it is to go run errands, and the extra stress it is every time I have to leave the house.

We have a huge weekend ahead of us, and it is a little daunting packing up everything I will need for a 2 month old. But I have to learn how to do this sometime! So here goes it!

Tis so sweet to trust in Jesus

Well, it was that time a year again when school is starting and the TBC NLR youth retreat was upon us. But this year was going to look a little different. Joel and I have pulled out of our responsibilities as far as Jr. High goes due to trying to figure out our life with Israel. But since Joel was still playing in the band, he was going to go, and wanted Izzy and I to come along with him. But that meant extra cost. But the Lord has been good. He has not only provided the full sum, but extra as well for gas, and anything we might need to make this trip possible. Praise the Lord!

Tuesday, August 18, 2009

Oh the selfishness of me!

I was sitting here having a quite time, and drinking my nasty protein shake observing the change in my life; specifically the change from my days being planned around MY meals, to now my days being planned around my sons meals, and naps. There have been times where I have forgotten to eat, and have found myself starving wondering what time it was, to find out that it well time for me to eat something. But it is not only that I forget to eat, but I don't even have the desire to fix anything. Once I have the free time to do it, there are a hundred other things that I want to get done that I don't even feel like spending 15 min to fix something. That is why I ended up drinking this horrible protein drink for breakfast! Yet, alas, am I losing weight? No!! So when I get a free minute I say to myself, "Wow, how life has changed from being ME focused to being Israel focused!" But then I crash and burn, and fall into a big pitty party for myself when I don't get something I want, and I cry like a baby that I work so hard, and never do anything for myself, and I scrimp and save to no avail, and everyone else is getting special things, and all I get is spit-up and dirty diapers. My thrills are getting stuff for baby, and when I want one thing for myself, I can't have it, or I have to sell something else of mine to get it! So now my selfLESSness, of thinking about baby's needs over mine, has just been voided out by my outrageous amount of selfishness. Today I read Philippins 1:21 which says " To me to live is Christ and to die is gain." I have not been living that way at all. My version has gone: to me to live is me and Israel,and Joel, and to die, is...I don't know, because I have not been dying to myself lately. And even now just writing this, I am being selfish, hoping that Joel will see this and give me something special for my desire to be selfless. And the cycle is never ending. Thank God for the promise that He is not done with us, and that He is ever perfecting me until the day of His return. Lord do not give up on me, and only make me more like you everyday.

How Sweet it is to be Loved by You!

It had been a somewhat long day. Israel had been sleeping good until I laid him down for his afternoon nap, and he only slept 30 min. So after letting him fuss for about 20 min, I decided to get him up and go for a walk. But then for his second afternoon nap he still didn't want to sleep. So here I am, it is 5;20, Joel still isn't home, and hasn't called, and Israel is in bed crying. I am trying to ignore him and let him get some energy out, while occupying myself by working on his baby album, and assuming that Joel had to work late, when I hear a knock at the door. Wondering who it could be, because Joel never knocks, I peek out the window, and see nothing, except a starbucks cup sitting on the porch with writting on the inside. I open the door, pick it up and on the inside it reads: Will you go on a starbucks date with me tonight? Love Joel xoxoxoxo! I was so excited, and felt so special that he would have thought of such a creative way of asking me to do this with him, I almost cried. I could see his car but I couldn't find him, until he came around the corner of the house. I ran into his arms, and was so glad that God had given me such a thoughtful man! He had even taken the initiative of calling my sister to see if she could babysit. Greg was sick, so we opted to have Joel's family watch him, and we became kids again, as we rolled down the windows, turned our music up loud, sang at the top of our lungs talked and drank our coffee drinks, and then ran across a busy street to walk to Blockbuster and write down titles of movies that we wanted to see. Such a refreshing evening with the one I love so dearly! Then we hurried back to our little boy who we missed so dearly (even just being gone a couple hours!) How sweet it is to be love by you, Joel!