Tuesday, August 18, 2009

Oh the selfishness of me!

I was sitting here having a quite time, and drinking my nasty protein shake observing the change in my life; specifically the change from my days being planned around MY meals, to now my days being planned around my sons meals, and naps. There have been times where I have forgotten to eat, and have found myself starving wondering what time it was, to find out that it well time for me to eat something. But it is not only that I forget to eat, but I don't even have the desire to fix anything. Once I have the free time to do it, there are a hundred other things that I want to get done that I don't even feel like spending 15 min to fix something. That is why I ended up drinking this horrible protein drink for breakfast! Yet, alas, am I losing weight? No!! So when I get a free minute I say to myself, "Wow, how life has changed from being ME focused to being Israel focused!" But then I crash and burn, and fall into a big pitty party for myself when I don't get something I want, and I cry like a baby that I work so hard, and never do anything for myself, and I scrimp and save to no avail, and everyone else is getting special things, and all I get is spit-up and dirty diapers. My thrills are getting stuff for baby, and when I want one thing for myself, I can't have it, or I have to sell something else of mine to get it! So now my selfLESSness, of thinking about baby's needs over mine, has just been voided out by my outrageous amount of selfishness. Today I read Philippins 1:21 which says " To me to live is Christ and to die is gain." I have not been living that way at all. My version has gone: to me to live is me and Israel,and Joel, and to die, is...I don't know, because I have not been dying to myself lately. And even now just writing this, I am being selfish, hoping that Joel will see this and give me something special for my desire to be selfless. And the cycle is never ending. Thank God for the promise that He is not done with us, and that He is ever perfecting me until the day of His return. Lord do not give up on me, and only make me more like you everyday.

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