Thursday, July 30, 2009

B...B...Blue day

One thing that I have learned from having a baby, is that motherhood is hard! I have a new found respect for my mom who did it over and over again 8 times.

After Israel was born, we were in the clouds, enjoying life, and thrilled that he was here. Once we got home reality set in. I got a case of the baby blues. I am not proud of this fact, but I am told that it is completely normal. I hated it though, the feeling of regret, and being trapped and like my life was over and I wouldn't be able to do anything ever again, overwhelmed me. I also felt overwhelmed by the awesome responsibility that having a baby brought on me. I kept having to remind myself that this was a team effort, and I didn't have to do it ALL by myself, even though I was responsible for the majority of it during the day. Plus at that time I was trying to nurse, which wasn't going well at all either.

Once we went to just the bottle, life appeared to get easier. I didn't have the stress of trying to figure out why my baby wasn't gaining weight or wanting to eat, and I was able to get out and run errands. But the blue days kept coming.

Today is one of them. This morning it was raining hard, which meant that maybe a night at Utica Square with friends wasn't going to work after all. That made me sad. Then the sun came out and there was hope! But then we found out that our friends had to leave town all of a sudden, and again life was blue. For awhile now Izzy has been not sleeping so well during the day, and wanting to eat quite often. Today has been really no different. While I was feeling sorry for myself for having to feed him every 2.5 hours, and only getting 1 hour of free time to myself, I realized how awful I was being. I had even complained to my husband that I wanted to have fun tonight! Here I was in possession of a precious, healthy, whole, adorable little boy that the Lord had created in my womb, and I wasn't having fun! Shame on me! Yes, I love it when he smiles, bringing love and joy overflowing, but for some reason, I had separated being a mom, and caring for my precious child, from having fun. Was it because of the hard month we had at first, when it wasn't fun, or was it because I was feeling lonely today? I don't know, but what I do know, is that I was not appreciating the fact that God has entrusted me with the precious little baby, and I have the honor of not only watching him grow up, but helping him grow, healthy and strong. I have the honor of seeing him smile at me when he has just had his bottle, feeling his head against my shoulder and feeling his breath on my neck. Feeling his little hands on my chest, or helping me hold the bottle.

So why these blue days? Why this feeling of boredom? Why this feeling of loneliness? Is it hormonal? Is it sin? I want to enjoy this time with my precious angel, but how do I cope with these feelings as well? May the Lord grant me peace, and a contentment that only comes from Him.


Kelly said...

I am sorry you had a blue day today. I had a bit of one too today.

I remember those early weeks after first becoming a mom. You are very sleep deprived and worried you might not do everything right. Take heart, we've been there. Within the first week of Jonah's life, I determined I was the most selfish person in the world. Everything used to revolve around me me me and now it all revolved around my little baby. I felt guilty for liking the time that it was all about me. But slowly (and I am still a work in progress) I began to embrace that having a child truly is a blessing from the Lord and the fact that He blessed me with a child means that He has called me to a new ministry - the ministry of motherhood. The continual process of embracing that ministry has brought me joy. It has allowed me to enjoy my "job" as a mom. I will pray for you to enjoy your new ministry as well!

If you ever need anything, give me a call.

Malcom House said...

I remember feeling like that after we had Isaac, being a new mom and all. True, everyone told me this and that, but you can't really understand until you have experienced it for yourself. I've been there, done that, and am currently wearing the t-shirt. When you first see and touch that precious little one you're instantly in love and wondering if you will ever feel 'those things' those other moms had told you you would experience. Take courage though, this too shall pass. I can say that I did not have the problems with feeding that you have experienced, but trust me, with my having three kids so close together, I understand how your life is no longer your own. It's a never ending process that you will both enjoy and dread at times, but mostly enjoy. :) You are a mommy and a wife and those are two of the most important ministries that you can have. God never promised that life would be fun, but you do have to 'consider it pure joy when you face trials of every kind.' I know, easier said than done, but don't get down on yourself. It's a process and you will learn your little Izzy's various crying styles and eventually you will understand what he is needing. In the mean time, I'll be praying for you and if you ever need anything, please, give me a call. I would be more than happy to help you in ANY way that I can. I know what it's like... and you're NOT alone.

Sarah M.