Tears of joy

Taking little Izzy to New Life Ranch was quite the adventure. No, it really turned out great, but the firsts are always a little stressful. He slept pretty great, took naps, and charmed his way to everyone's heart. There was one particular time that he was a little cranky, (I think he was just a little over tired) and I laid him down on the bed, gave him his paci, and got really close to his face, assuring him that everything was okay, and his little eyes, moist from crying, looked at me with the most adorable, yet pitiful expression. I didn't know whether to laugh or cry. But it touched me so much that I uttered a prayer of thanksgiving for my little boy, and tears came to my eyes. I am so blessed to have a son to take care of. I want to enjoy ever moment!

Cute as a bug on a rug

My little Izzy was the prince of the ball last night with 10+ people standing around adoring him. It was quite fun I must admit to be the mother of this charming little man, and I enjoyed it just as much or more as he did! But the thing I enjoyed most, was seeing my little baby boy, find comfort and familiarity in his mother own arms once he had made the rounds. He was cranky with them, but fell asleep on me! Oh the joys of motherhood. Just that one moment is worth every dirty diaper I change, and every cranky time, the extra trouble it is to go run errands, and the extra stress it is every time I have to leave the house.

We have a huge weekend ahead of us, and it is a little daunting packing up everything I will need for a 2 month old. But I have to learn how to do this sometime! So here goes it!

B...B...Blue day

One thing that I have learned from having a baby, is that motherhood is hard! I have a new found respect for my mom who did it over and over again 8 times.

After Israel was born, we were in the clouds, enjoying life, and thrilled that he was here. Once we got home reality set in. I got a case of the baby blues. I am not proud of this fact, but I am told that it is completely normal. I hated it though, the feeling of regret, and being trapped and like my life was over and I wouldn't be able to do anything ever again, overwhelmed me. I also felt overwhelmed by the awesome responsibility that having a baby brought on me. I kept having to remind myself that this was a team effort, and I didn't have to do it ALL by myself, even though I was responsible for the majority of it during the day. Plus at that time I was trying to nurse, which wasn't going well at all either.

Once we went to just the bottle, life appeared to get easier. I didn't have the stress of trying to figure out why my baby wasn't gaining weight or wanting to eat, and I was able to get out and run errands. But the blue days kept coming.

Today is one of them. This morning it was raining hard, which meant that maybe a night at Utica Square with friends wasn't going to work after all. That made me sad. Then the sun came out and there was hope! But then we found out that our friends had to leave town all of a sudden, and again life was blue. For awhile now Izzy has been not sleeping so well during the day, and wanting to eat quite often. Today has been really no different. While I was feeling sorry for myself for having to feed him every 2.5 hours, and only getting 1 hour of free time to myself, I realized how awful I was being. I had even complained to my husband that I wanted to have fun tonight! Here I was in possession of a precious, healthy, whole, adorable little boy that the Lord had created in my womb, and I wasn't having fun! Shame on me! Yes, I love it when he smiles, bringing love and joy overflowing, but for some reason, I had separated being a mom, and caring for my precious child, from having fun. Was it because of the hard month we had at first, when it wasn't fun, or was it because I was feeling lonely today? I don't know, but what I do know, is that I was not appreciating the fact that God has entrusted me with the precious little baby, and I have the honor of not only watching him grow up, but helping him grow, healthy and strong. I have the honor of seeing him smile at me when he has just had his bottle, feeling his head against my shoulder and feeling his breath on my neck. Feeling his little hands on my chest, or helping me hold the bottle.

So why these blue days? Why this feeling of boredom? Why this feeling of loneliness? Is it hormonal? Is it sin? I want to enjoy this time with my precious angel, but how do I cope with these feelings as well? May the Lord grant me peace, and a contentment that only comes from Him.

My birth story

On June 18th 2009 our little son was born. Wednesday June 17th I went to a doctor's appointment, and left there a little disappointed. Our doctor, who had said all along that he would let me go a week to a week in a half before we would even talk of inducing, was now pushing for inducement. I left the office, disappointed that we were even needing to entertain the idea of inducement. I had prayed that we wouldn't but I guess God has something different in mind.

But on the way home I was having contractions, which I kinda ignored, because I had had rounds of them before that never ended in anything but disappointment, and the feeling of being teased. That was around 1:00 p.m. That afternoon my dear friend Celeste came over for some girl time, all the while I was having contractions. Around 4:00 I told her that I had had them all afternoon, and that they were coming close together, and getting more intense. We started timing them, and doing different things, like lying down, or walking around, eating, resting, but they never stopped. Celeste was wonderful! She suggested that we all four of us go to a movie to distract me. So we did. She stayed and helped make dinner for me, and together we all went to see a movie. The contractions continued all through the movie, and when Joel and I got home, we decided to walk around. So at 10:00 at night we are out strolling the streets. 3:00 in the morning comes, and I wake up with even stronger contractions, and we decided to call my mom. She suggested that we start timing them again, and wait awhile. They were coming at 2-4 min apart, so at about 5:30 we headed to the hospital. 6:00 we arrive, they hook me up and check me. I am dialated to 4 and 90% effaced, contractions still coming 2-3 min. apart. They wanted to admit me, and break my water, but Joel and I were not so sure about that. We talked them into letting us walk around for a little bit, using that as a way to wait a little bit longer before we had to decide whether to let them break my water or not. Everything we had learned was telling us to not let them, but then the doctor's argument was convincing as well. So we walked around Utica Square for a couple hours, went back and I had not progressed at all. So after much consideration, we decided to let them break my water. I prayed that I would be dialated to a 5 by the time they broke it, and I was! 12:00 came, and the doctor came and broke the water, and immediately the contractions started to get worse. 1 hour passed and our wonderful Christian nurse checked me, because I was feeling the urge to push. I was only a 6! Trying to fight the urge to push was horrible! Thirty min later I was a 7, and thirty min after that I was almost a 9. I had one contraction, the nurse made me a ten (because my cervix was so soft) and the pushing began immediately. The commotion increased, but I was not really aware of it. Joel was right by my side through the whole thing. From the moment they broke my water till Israel poked his head out, he was right by my side, saying encouraging words, and praying me on. Once the pushing started, I was laying down more than I thought I would, so each time I pushed Joel would lift me up a little. I wasn't able to properly hold my legs, so two nursed would push my legs up, and the doctor tied a not in a sheet, gave that end to me to pull on, and he had the other end to pull as well, and that worked really well. thirty min. later, his head came out, and the horrible pain was almost over. Out slithered the rest of his body, and the next thing I knew, my precious little boy was in my arms. It took him a few min to start to cry, the nursed were rubbing him, trying to get him to turn pink. Since I tore a little bit, the stitches were next to come. They were painful, but nothing compared to labor. It took longer than I wished, but finally they were through, and the cleaning up began. The rest of the afternoon, family and friends were present, Finally at around 8:00, we were all alone, our little family!

Due Date

Last night Joel was holding me as I cried, letting me release some emotion that I was feeling. I had some tea waiting for me that was supposed to bring on contractions, but I was scared to drink it. Our due date was in just a few hours, so were were talking about that, and looking at my big tummy, talking about how life was going to change, and me making sure we as a couple were not going to change. Joel then asked me to think back and remember what were were doing nine months ago. I immediately remembered our vacation to St. Louis, where I was already pregnant, but we didn't know it. So Joel decided that it would be fun to look at those pictures again. So we did.

This morning, I woke up, and went to the bathroom for the umpteenth time, and came back into the room, and Joel was singing, "Happy due date day, to you!" as he slowly woke up. Today is our due date, the day that Israel might come, or might forever be the day that we thought he might come, but God had different plans.

Lately I have been feeling very emotional, and for the past 12 hours, have cried many tears. Joel asked me one day how I was doing, me thinking he was asking about my physical state. So once again, I told him "good, just in a little pain". Then he informed me that he knew that I was going to be in pain for a while, and so whenever he asked how I was doing, he was asking how I was doing emotional. That meant so much to me. I had a dear friend call me today, asking how I was doing, to which I replied, "Doing well physically, which is making it harder on me emotionally, because I can't feel that anything big is going on." I know that my body is making headway, because of what the doctor has said, and occasionally I will have several hours of contractions that are just a little bit uncomfortable, or I will feel different sensations here and there, but overall, I wonder, "Is he ever going to be here?" But as my mom said, I am in the stage of the unknown. It could be anytime, or it could be a week or more. And that plays a part on our emotions. But once I realize that, it makes it easier. Not that I have any more information, but now I know why I can be fine one minute, and then sobbing buckets the next, an angel one second, and a witch the next! Thankfully I have the best husband in the world, who just holds me, and hugs me, and tells me that I can cry, and forgives me when I lash out, and loves me unconditionally.

So, I sit here waiting, reminding myself of the truth, that I will NOT be pregnant for the rest of my life, that Israel will come someday, and trying to occupy myself until our little angel arrives.

Nesting

The Lord was so gracious and provided so many baby things for us at our baby shower May 2nd. But Even though I was aching to dive in and organize, Joel made me wait one more week until I was finished teaching. This past Tuesday was my recital, and now I am officially done! Well for the summer. There have been so many things that I feel like I have been neglecting, like...being a wife! so Wednesday morning I awoke with new energy, to begin nesting, and make sure we had groceries, and a clean house.

Then we found mouse droppings. So that doesn't make me feel like a am living in a clean place. But I am trying! We will conquer this, just like we conquered bed bugs, and we will move on. In the mean time, I will clean up what I can, organize my baby's room, return things, and enjoy being a wife, and mom.

Absent mindedness

I can blame it on the pregnancy now, and then after the baby, maybe I can blame it on being a new mom, but I am not sure how long I can make excuses for my forgetfulness.

I went to meet a friend today for lunch to pick her brain about how to get my piano certification finished. We had a wonderful talk, and we were getting ready to leave right when the rain started pouring down. Much to my horror, I couldn't find my keys! I asked if any had been turned in, I checked the bathroom (because I am there frequently) and much to my dismay they were nowhere to be found. So my dear friend let me use her umbrella, to see if I had left them in my car, and when I still couldn't see them, and all the doors were locked, she drove me all the way to Joel's work to get the other set of keys, and then back again! I was very touched by her selflessness, and willingness to help this poor old prego lady out! May God bless her!!!

Israel's room!

I thought that I had found the bedding for Israel's room at Pottery Barn Kids. We had decided to go with an airplane theme, and the bedding had an airplane, a car and a truck. It was adorable, yet expensive, therefore we were only going to get the bumper and the quilt. But...I found out that Owasso was having a JBF sale, like Tulsa did, and that Saturday was their half price sale. So Joel and I drove over there to check it out, and see if we could find anything we needed. We walked in, and I started to feel really bad because it was so small, and there was nothing that we came to find, plus, we kept seeing all these signs that said "if there is a red star on the merchandice, it is still full price. Well, everything that we had looked at had a red star. I then walked over to the bedding, just in case there was something I liked better than what Pottery Barn Kids had (which is rare). Then I saw it! A Pottery Barn Kids crib set with the bumper, quilt, bedskirt, shams, two sets of sheets, and a pillow case, all for 175.00! And the best part, it was all airplanes!!! For some reason we decided against it, and let it with a worker. We wondered around looking at other things, and I commented on how everything I wanted had a red star! All of a sudden I remembered the bedding. I turned to Joel and said: "Oh my goodness, did that bedding have a red star?" He went back to the worker, came back with the bedding that did NOT have a star!!! Which meant that we were going to get it half off!!! i couldn't believe how perfect it was! We got it home, and put it in the room, and found out the blues did not match, therefore we were going to have to paint the room. We did this Good Friday, when Joel had the day off. Then today!! We picked up our crib, and put everything together!!! It looks wonderful!

30 weeks pregnant

I have reached the 30 week mark! Ten more to go....maybe! I look at this picture compared to the one I took at 21 weeks, and I laugh because I thought I was big then! And I know, I am still not huge, but I feel huge.

My Baby!!

Sunday morning February 22nd, sitting in bed, I was feeling my baby move. So I flipped on my back to see if I could see him move. And oh boy!!! I woke Joel up and together we watched our baby moving! It was so exciting! Not only can I feel him, but now I can SEE my precious boy move! Thank you Lord for this little miracle. Bless him, keep him healthy and strong!

21 weeks and counting!

Well, I am past the halfway point, and am just now starting to really show! I noticed the little bump awhile ago, but now it is unmistakable! Little Israel is kicking and squirming around like an energetic little boy! We just received the little baby cradle that has been passed down through our family for 4 generations now, and put it together in the baby room! Megan and Kendra gave us some clothes, and it was so fun to go through and imagine dressing a little baby, MY little baby in them. Since I have grown up in a large family, I have been around a lot of babies. So sometimes I still have to pinch myself to make sure I am not just dreaming, and that I am really having one of my own! It is kind of a scary thought!!! Here I am, with a little pouch!

It's a Boy!!

January 16th we found out that we were having a little boy! I was quite surprised (for some reason) but very excited, Joel was just excited! My family was shocked though because so far all of us children have had first born boys. There will be 5 Grandchildren, and only one is a girl!

We are going to name our little bundle of joy Israel David Kelley. Israel means "Prince of God" David means "Beloved", and Kelley means "Warrior, or protector" Altogether you get: "Prince of God, beloved warrior" I almost cried when Joel told me that. I think it is such a beautiful yet powerful name. Israel, I pray that you will become a true prince of God at a young age, and that you will fight the good fight and meet your Savior one day to receive a "well done, good and faithful servant" We love you!!

Surrendered

Tomorrow I go shopping for pregnancy clothes. I have waited as long as I can. Going from putting up with tight waistline, to expanding it with rubber bands, to now giving into the fact that, yes I am showing (even if it is a little bit) and yes, I am going to finally wear pregnancy pants! It is bitter sweet. Sweet because that means my little baby is growing, bitter, because I have to say goodbye to normal clothes. So goodbye normal clothes, and hello maternity!

The Movement of a precious life

On New Years Eve 2008, I felt my precious baby move! Relaxing on the couch, I started to feel something strange, and then realizing what it was, I called my husband to let him share in the exciting moment. How real this pregnancy is becoming. First hearing the heartbeat, then feeling movement, and of course seeing a little bump appear is so exciting! What a miracle this is! Praise be the the Lord, who creates and sustains all life. May I be a mother worthy of this blessing.

Heartbeat

Yesterday was my second doctor's appointment, and my first ultrasound! I was so excited, but I didn't expect it to be as fun as it was. We actually got to see the baby, and I couldn't believe how much like a baby it already looks like! And then the cherry on top: the heartbeat!!! We heard the little tiny baby's heartbeat! That made my day!