A Woman's Perogative

For a few weeks now I have been pretty overwhelmed, and wondering how in the world I am going to keep up with everything. I am wearing three hats all at the same time, well, at least two at the same time: Mom and piano teacher, and then mom and wife. So one day when I had gotten several calls about piano, I called Joel not knowing what to do, how much more I could handle. I told him that if I took this student, I would need some help. My dear husband, always ready to offer a helping hand, readily agreed, and said he would help with anything. So, after feeling okay about this, and feeling like this could work...The guilt set in. When I see him helping, I get this guilty feeling, like I should be taking care of everything, and it is my job to clean the kitchen and empty the dishwasher (my least favorite thing to do), and my job to keep the house clean etc. So one minute I am complaining about not having enough hours in the day and throwing a hissy fit, and then the next minute, after I have gotten the help I complained for, I am feeling guilty and like a failure for not being able to do a thousand things at once. What is wrong with me??? My sister loving told me that I needed to get over this! So yesterday the husband and I had a little talk. I asked him if he felt like I was passing off too much of my responsibility onto him. He graciously said no, but that sometimes he would like to just chill for awhile. From the very beginning of the new adventure (raising a child), he told me that we were a team in this, so I shouldn't feel guilty having him help me when he gets home. He has a day, I have a day, and then we finish it off together. I like that! That makes me happy. We agreed that if he needed some time to just chill, then we would chill together, and then do whatever needs to be done. And then at the end, when Izzy is safe in his bed, dreaming sweet dreams, and the kitchen is clean, then we can both relax together with freshly popped popcorn, and both be happily tired.

Sick

Well, for the past couple weeks I have been fighting a cold. I have been able to keep it just a sniffle, but it has gotten worse. I am sneezing all the time, which means I am blowing my nose even more than that, which means my nose it turning red, which means I am miserable. I keep getting to where I think I am better and then it comes back with a vengeance. No, I have had worse, but this has lasted for so long, that I am getting really tired of it. I can't even get through a diaper change without having to blow my nose. I have even blown my nose with a wipe to prevent it dripping on Izzy! I know, pathetic right? Anyway, thankfully I do not have to teach this week except for today. So maybe I will have more time to rest. Hope everyone else is having a red shoe day! 

A Dream is a wish your heart makes...

Okay, before I tell you what wonderful thing happened to me today, I must preface it with this. Back in May Joel entered a photography contest put on by Uitca Square. This was the first year for the contest, and everyone who wanted to, could come and take pictures of their flowers, and then enter up to 5 pictures. This is the picture Joel entered.

So, in June we were supposed to find out the winner, and believe it or not...he won!!! The prize...brace yourselves...1000.00 in utica square gift certificates! Oh boy, were we going to have fun with this. My dream has been to be able to by a dress from Black House White Market. Most of their dresses are very classy and elegant, and everything is very expensive! One time I told Joel that a perfect date would be for me to buy a dress from there, and then go to a nice restaurant. So the first thing that he said when he won the money, was "you are getting at least one dress from White and Black!" Isn't that sweet! So today, we decided to go to Utica, because when you do, everything is made better. While we were there, we went into White and Black, and I became a princess. The lady was at my beck and call, and it was so fun to tell her that I was in to by a dress "just for fun". She brought me beautiful dresses, and gorgeous shoes. I was in heaven. I tried on three or four dresses and the last one, Joel said was his favorite. So I went into White and black a normal person, and came out a princess with a beautiful dress.

"Tomorrow is a new day with no mistakes in it" (Anne of Green Gables)

Today is the Tomorrow...if that makes sense. I wrote the title yesterday, and that is as far as I got. That kinda explains what my day was like! The day started off pretty crummy with me not feeling well. So I took advantage of Izzy's first two morning naps and took a nap myself, hoping to put the afternoon to good use by cleaning my house. Does anyone else feel like no matter how hard they clean, it never looks clean??? That is how it has been for me for the past couple weeks. I don't know if I have too many things...which could be...but, I am at loss to know what to do. So I had high aspirations for the afternoon, and was able to get a few things done...then Israel woke up. Usually this is not a problem, but yesterday for some reason he wouldn't be entertained by his Eric Carl toys! He was unusually cranky. Finally Joel got home (I say finally because the whole day was going slow, but in all actuality, he was home earlier than normal), and he started trying to make my day better. We were going to go to Utica Square, but with Izzy being his cranky self, and us needing to get him in bed, we nixed that idea. Then we were going to all go get some groceries for dinner, just so I could get out of the house, but again with Izzy's crankiness, Joel just went. 7:00, the glorious hour, rolled around and I fed Israel his last feeding before bed. 7:30 came too, and we laid our precious tired baby down. He proved his tiredness with going to sleep with barely any crying. Now, the evening was ours! We decided to try out a new recipe for dinner (no we hadn't eaten yet...), and so Joel made us some fun juicy drinks, we turned on Michael Bueble, and we began. It was so much fun, that we decided that we should make Friday night (if we had nothing else going on) our "try a new recipe, and cook it together" night. So this morning as I sit at my dining room table, drinking my non fat smoothie, enjoying these quite moments while Israel sleeps, listening to the dull roar of the lawn mower, and contemplating whether to blow 30.00 bucks on a haircut...I hope that today is a little better. I pray that I can break this cycle of boring, non-motivated days, and start enjoying the days I have nothing going on.

Oh, and Joel also surprised me with a red camera!

Rainbows and Promises

Monday was a pretty tough day. I went to teach, hoping that Izzy would lay down and take a nap, but no, that was not in his plan. So although he was a cutie pie, he made teaching a little challenging. That afternoon it started pouring rain, and what made it worse, was that I had to get out in it to go pick up Joel. I had high hopes of running some errands while I had the help, but because of the horrible traffic, and my car sick husband (he gets car sick when he doesn't drive) a quick run to Neighborhood Market was all the errands I would be getting done. Hobby Lobby would have to wait, much to my dismay. I was mad. And I didn't respond in the right way. I wish that I had heard Tuesday's Bible study lecture earlier! I started feeling sorry for myself, wondering why my plans ALWAYS got ruined, why EVERYTHING I want to do NEVER works out. After I raised my voice at Joel, (shame on me) and used those words, always, everything, and never, I realized that it was not true. I was just feeling sorry for myself over ONE thing that didn't work out, and then all of a sudden EVERYTHING in my life was horrible. I quickly apologized and thanked Joel for all his help and willingness to run errands for and with me. Thankfully he quickly forgave. I wish that I could say I snapped out of my "feeling sorry for myself" state, but I didn't, I wanted to brew a little longer. Then the Lord got me. I sat down to feed Izzy, and Joel exclaimed "there's a rainbow!" I looked outside, and all across the sky was a beautify rainbow. It was as if the Lord was telling me: "Hannah, I am still here, and I care about you, I haven't forgotten about you or your desires and dreams." The rainbow is a symbol of God's promise to not destroy the earth again with a flood, but that night it spoke much more to me. God has promised to never leave me nor forsake me, and He reminded me of that with the rainbow.

Rosie to the Rescue

Happy Monday to you all!

This weekend was quite a boring one for me. With everything that I have to do, I was bored, I know, sounds strange. But I was. Thursday I was home all day, which was nice, I did nothing of much importance, just read a lot, and played with Izzy. By Friday, I had run out of creative things to say to Izzy, and by that night, I had to get out of the house. I went to pick up Joel and I told him I didn't want to go home...so we went to Hobby Lobby, one of my favorite places to go EVER! Saturday I was in tears because Joel was leaving again to go do some yard work and I couldn't bare the thought of another day by myself. Joel was so sweet and was willing to go to the ends of the earth for me just to make me happy. So first, he let me go to starbucks ALL BY MYSELF once I laid Izzy down for his nap. Oh what joy!!! When I got back, he drove me out to my mom's (pretty much to the end of the earth) so that I wouldn't be lonely.

Saturday night, when we were a family again, I was walking on the treadmill, Joel was talking with Izzy who was playing on his little play mat, and Israel almost rolled over!!! I almost cried! My baby is growing up! Sorry I don't have any pictures of it...our little camera broke! So, my sweet husband is going to get me a RED one!!

But all of the tales from this weekend are not what my title is all about. Today (Monday) I was driving in the car, and my little baby was so tired he was crying, and he kept spitting out his paci. So I turned on one of my favorite cds...Rosie Thomas...and Izzy settled right down, took his paci and fell asleep! Well...makes sense, since I listened to it ALL THE TIME while I was pregnant! So thank you Rosie!!!

Treasure Hunt

Today I put Izzy in a tee-shirt that says: "It's hard to be humble when you're from Razorback country." Here he is getting ready to take a bath, but I wanted to make sure that I got a picture of him in this shirt because it is the only Razorback thing we have right now! This will have to change!



Today the Lord gave me little insights into how we are with Him, or should be. Today, I was getting Izzy's bottle ready, and he saw it and got all excited. I thought: "That is how we should be with God's word, we should be so eager to drink in the truths of God's word whenever we get a chance." After feeding Izzy, I decided to trim his nails before he hurt himself, and so I took his little hand, and tried to trim oh so carefully as he tried to pull his hand away. That brought to mind, how the Lord tries to trim away things in our lives that might eventually hurt us, and we try to squirm away because it is uncomfortable. Izzy bore it well, didn't really get mad, just sat there, not really understanding what I was doing, but trusting me fully. May I trust MY Lord when I don't understand why He is doing something, believing that it is the best for me.

I realized today that I don't have any pictures of my darling little boy. So here are some of my favorites.

Mission 101

Today I embark on a new mission. I want to train myself to see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living, and to pull something from my everyday activities that I can learn about myself, life in general, the Lord, or whatever. So...I will be blogging about my everyday experiences being a wife and mom, about my red shoe experiences, and about the lessons I learn. My goal is to someday have my children read this, and see Christ through me. I want them to be able to learn from my mistakes, or learn from my triumphs. I them to see that they can laugh at themselves, be themselves, and see how even the mundane things we do all day, add up to something wonderful!

I am Hannah Kathleen Kelley

Yesterday was a red shoe day in a round about way. It started off with coffee and shortbread with my dear mother-in-law since one of my piano families canceled on me. It was a somewhat rainy day, so it was perfect for getting out my china, and having some girl time. Then that afternoon, the day turned chaotic! Joel and I have been planning on going on a date to see the movie: Julie Julia, sometime this weekend. Thankfully we found out just in time that the movie was only going to be in theaters for a couple more days. So to make a long story short, we decided to go last night, sper of the moment, because mom was available to babysit. But that made for a crazy 3 hours, from when we found out that this could work, till I dropped Izzy off with mom and Joel and I were by ourselves.

Dinner was delicious, the movie was fun, but it wasn't till we got home that something extraordinary happened. Every once in a while, I get in this funk where I feel like I am not good at anything, and I don't have something that I can link with my name that people know me for. I do a lot of things semi-well, and it bothers me. Some people are dancers, some people are piano teachers, and are really accomplished musicians themselves (I am not, hence I teach beginners). Some are artists, some are singers, writers, chefs, etc. Me????I can do all of that, but not extremely well. I am not known as one particular thing. I am a wife, a mother, and then a hodgepodge of a bunch of other things. Well, last night in the movie, the girl felt the same way, that her life really had no meaning. So she decided to go through the cookbook: The art of French Cooking and try all the recipes in just one year, and then blog about it. After the movie, I told Joel that I wanted to do something like that, so we started brainstorming, but each idea led to me saying "But that is not original, everyone does that", or "so-and-so does that and they are good at it", or "I am not a good writer, I shouldn't even try."

Joel saw through me to the root problem. He sat down next to me, and gently and lovingly told me that I shouldn't find my identity in anything other than the Lord, and in who the Lord made me to be: a wife and mom. To this I cried, "But everyone is a wife and mom"! I was still trying to find something that I could call my own, and be good at all by myself. But alas, there is nothing new under the sun! This led to many tears, and many revelations. I was able to voice my fears, and my way of thinking, and through that I realized that I didn't really know who I was! For so long I h been trying to be like other people...like what they like, do what I see other people like to do (except the bad things) that I had forgotten who I was. Joel looked at me and said "I know who you are...you are Hannah Kelley, 3 oldest of 8; you like to drink coffee and read a book on rainy days, with a clean house, you like red shoes....and the list went on. He made me cry, and laugh. He ended with saying that I could do the things I wanted to: blog, craft, whatever, but only because I liked to, not to compare myself with other people, or to be like other people.

I felt so free! I was free to be my own person? To do what I liked, and I didn't have to be original? I could do it, just because I like to, because my identity is in Christ. He made me to be a wife and mother, the highest calling I could be called to, and He made me to enjoy doing many things. No, I might not make lots of money doing them, or get recognized or famous for them, but I can still enjoy them. I am Hannah Kathleen Kelley, wife of Joel Kelley, the best man in the world, mother of Israel Kelley, the sweetest baby in the world, and daughter to the King of Kings, and Lord of Lords. That is who I am!

You in your small corner, and I in mine

Here I sit in my "small secret place", as Joel calls it. Last week, Joel and I reorganized our office space, by putting the desk in the closet, and hanging some curtains in the opening, so that we could close off the mess, if it became one, and thus open up wall space for something else. Ironically, the desk has stayed clean for over a week now! I have adopted it as my secret place. I sit down with my bible and notebook, and close the curtains, and am transported into my own little world, (until my baby wakes up and needs to be fed). As much as I love my little boy, and love taking care of him, and playing with him, I love these precious moments with me, and my Lord, or me and what ever I want to do.

Before I had Israel, I had these moments all the time, but they were boring to me. I wanted to be around people, and around noise, to keep me from getting lonely. I took for granted these quiet moments that I crave for now. Thank you Lord for giving me this quiet moment right now, where I can sit, set apart from everything and think about You and what You are doing in my life.

You are doing a lot Lord, and most of it I don't understand yet. Three months ago my life turned upside down. I am finally starting to get into some kind of routine. Israel is on a schedule that is working well with my teaching, (answer to prayer!) and I am trying to keep up with laundry, and the house work. I have started exercising, and doing my quiet time regularly for the past week or so, and I feel great because of it! But inside, Lord, something is not right. Inside my soul, I feel uneasy, I feel like I am walking on my tiptoes, not sure of anything. Not sure of my life, and where You are in it. I am going through a Bible study about Esther, and have been told that even though Your name is no where to be found IN the book, you are ON it. You are involved in everything that took place in Esther's life, therefore I have to trust that You are involved in mine. But where? Fear has over taken me...I realized that the other night. I have been living my life in fear. Everything I say I can't handle, I fear You will bring upon me. I am afraid if I don't check on Israel one final time, that will be the time that something happens to him. Something goes wrong in the house, and I freak out unnecessarily. Then there is money...what is there NOT to worry about? Since Israel came I worry more about our finances, because of the extra expenses we have now. I say to myself and to others that "if the Lord made it so that Israel needed to be bottle fed, then He will provide the funds for formula." But why can't I really believe that in such a way that I LIVE it! Lord, I feel like my spirit is not at rest, and I need You to put it at rest. Show me what steps I need to take to be able to curl up under your wing and stay there, knowing that you hold MY whole world in YOUR hands.

Fresh new start!

I love Fall. I love the smell of new pencils, and fresh paper. I love new supplies like new pens, and fun little organizing trinkets. I love being on a schedule and sticking to it. I love a clean house, with everything in its place.

Yesterday (Labor Day), Joel and I really labored. We tore apart our office, and totally reorganized it. To do that, we had to allow the rest of the house to become a disaster, but once we were done with it, we loved it. We worked from 9:00-5:00 with a 15 min break for lunch. Israel was a trooper. He took all his naps really well, and was an angel when he was up. Thank you Izzy!

Although I started teaching last week, it was so crazy, and I had just gotten back into town, that I didn't feel like I had properly ushered in the new semester. No, I am not in school, nor do I wish to be, but being a piano teacher, I am still connected with that world a little bit. but this week, even though we had Monday off, having my office organized, and starting Bible study today, I am feeling really good!

As I mentioned above, Bible study started today! I am sooooo excited! I am doing an Esther study, by Beth Moore with my church, and I think it is going to be just what I need. I am excited because I have never done a Beth Moore study, but have heard a lot about them. So now I get to see for myself.

Another exciting thing...when I got home from Bible study, I was changing Izzy's diaper, and I was talking to him, and smiling, and then I started tickling him. He laughed! He laughed out loud! I was so happy! It was one of those moments when I wished Joel was here to hear his first laugh, and felt so blessed and lucky that I get to be the one that sees all of Izzy's "firsts". I guess that is one of the perks of Motherhood. Yes I have to deal with a fussy baby all day if he so chooses to be, but I also get to see him smile, laugh, roll over, crawl, walk, etc, maybe before anyone else.

This has already been a red shoe day!