B...B...Blue day

One thing that I have learned from having a baby, is that motherhood is hard! I have a new found respect for my mom who did it over and over again 8 times.

After Israel was born, we were in the clouds, enjoying life, and thrilled that he was here. Once we got home reality set in. I got a case of the baby blues. I am not proud of this fact, but I am told that it is completely normal. I hated it though, the feeling of regret, and being trapped and like my life was over and I wouldn't be able to do anything ever again, overwhelmed me. I also felt overwhelmed by the awesome responsibility that having a baby brought on me. I kept having to remind myself that this was a team effort, and I didn't have to do it ALL by myself, even though I was responsible for the majority of it during the day. Plus at that time I was trying to nurse, which wasn't going well at all either.

Once we went to just the bottle, life appeared to get easier. I didn't have the stress of trying to figure out why my baby wasn't gaining weight or wanting to eat, and I was able to get out and run errands. But the blue days kept coming.

Today is one of them. This morning it was raining hard, which meant that maybe a night at Utica Square with friends wasn't going to work after all. That made me sad. Then the sun came out and there was hope! But then we found out that our friends had to leave town all of a sudden, and again life was blue. For awhile now Izzy has been not sleeping so well during the day, and wanting to eat quite often. Today has been really no different. While I was feeling sorry for myself for having to feed him every 2.5 hours, and only getting 1 hour of free time to myself, I realized how awful I was being. I had even complained to my husband that I wanted to have fun tonight! Here I was in possession of a precious, healthy, whole, adorable little boy that the Lord had created in my womb, and I wasn't having fun! Shame on me! Yes, I love it when he smiles, bringing love and joy overflowing, but for some reason, I had separated being a mom, and caring for my precious child, from having fun. Was it because of the hard month we had at first, when it wasn't fun, or was it because I was feeling lonely today? I don't know, but what I do know, is that I was not appreciating the fact that God has entrusted me with the precious little baby, and I have the honor of not only watching him grow up, but helping him grow, healthy and strong. I have the honor of seeing him smile at me when he has just had his bottle, feeling his head against my shoulder and feeling his breath on my neck. Feeling his little hands on my chest, or helping me hold the bottle.

So why these blue days? Why this feeling of boredom? Why this feeling of loneliness? Is it hormonal? Is it sin? I want to enjoy this time with my precious angel, but how do I cope with these feelings as well? May the Lord grant me peace, and a contentment that only comes from Him.

My birth story

On June 18th 2009 our little son was born. Wednesday June 17th I went to a doctor's appointment, and left there a little disappointed. Our doctor, who had said all along that he would let me go a week to a week in a half before we would even talk of inducing, was now pushing for inducement. I left the office, disappointed that we were even needing to entertain the idea of inducement. I had prayed that we wouldn't but I guess God has something different in mind.

But on the way home I was having contractions, which I kinda ignored, because I had had rounds of them before that never ended in anything but disappointment, and the feeling of being teased. That was around 1:00 p.m. That afternoon my dear friend Celeste came over for some girl time, all the while I was having contractions. Around 4:00 I told her that I had had them all afternoon, and that they were coming close together, and getting more intense. We started timing them, and doing different things, like lying down, or walking around, eating, resting, but they never stopped. Celeste was wonderful! She suggested that we all four of us go to a movie to distract me. So we did. She stayed and helped make dinner for me, and together we all went to see a movie. The contractions continued all through the movie, and when Joel and I got home, we decided to walk around. So at 10:00 at night we are out strolling the streets. 3:00 in the morning comes, and I wake up with even stronger contractions, and we decided to call my mom. She suggested that we start timing them again, and wait awhile. They were coming at 2-4 min apart, so at about 5:30 we headed to the hospital. 6:00 we arrive, they hook me up and check me. I am dialated to 4 and 90% effaced, contractions still coming 2-3 min. apart. They wanted to admit me, and break my water, but Joel and I were not so sure about that. We talked them into letting us walk around for a little bit, using that as a way to wait a little bit longer before we had to decide whether to let them break my water or not. Everything we had learned was telling us to not let them, but then the doctor's argument was convincing as well. So we walked around Utica Square for a couple hours, went back and I had not progressed at all. So after much consideration, we decided to let them break my water. I prayed that I would be dialated to a 5 by the time they broke it, and I was! 12:00 came, and the doctor came and broke the water, and immediately the contractions started to get worse. 1 hour passed and our wonderful Christian nurse checked me, because I was feeling the urge to push. I was only a 6! Trying to fight the urge to push was horrible! Thirty min later I was a 7, and thirty min after that I was almost a 9. I had one contraction, the nurse made me a ten (because my cervix was so soft) and the pushing began immediately. The commotion increased, but I was not really aware of it. Joel was right by my side through the whole thing. From the moment they broke my water till Israel poked his head out, he was right by my side, saying encouraging words, and praying me on. Once the pushing started, I was laying down more than I thought I would, so each time I pushed Joel would lift me up a little. I wasn't able to properly hold my legs, so two nursed would push my legs up, and the doctor tied a not in a sheet, gave that end to me to pull on, and he had the other end to pull as well, and that worked really well. thirty min. later, his head came out, and the horrible pain was almost over. Out slithered the rest of his body, and the next thing I knew, my precious little boy was in my arms. It took him a few min to start to cry, the nursed were rubbing him, trying to get him to turn pink. Since I tore a little bit, the stitches were next to come. They were painful, but nothing compared to labor. It took longer than I wished, but finally they were through, and the cleaning up began. The rest of the afternoon, family and friends were present, Finally at around 8:00, we were all alone, our little family!